Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Pezi Detective Continues at New Address

Hey all,

I've moved. I'm over here now.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Stealing Evergreens from Chocolate Lofts

A couple of weeks ago I went to a party at the famed Chocolate Lofts on Queen West. A friend and co-worker of Sarah's was having a birthday celebration of epic proportions. I can't imagine actually having a party like this for myself, but I'm sure glad that Salome did. There was a doorman who took your coat and then jumped behind the bar and made you drinks, and the charming owner of Oyster Boy/The Swan came out with a giant box of mixed oysters that Sarah and I gorged ourselves on. I loooove oysters.

One of the side-effects of having a party with a great bartender and a free bar is that everyone in attendance ends up drinking more than they probably should on a school night. Thus, when we finally made our way outside at some time in the wee hours of the morning, we were intoxicated enough that it seemed like a good idea to steal the tree in the planter that was outside the fourth-floor elevator. We were pretty durned proud of ourselves once we successfully snuck out the back door to escape the watchful eye of the night security guard, potted tree in tow, giggling madly and feeling like we'd gotten away with the crime of the century. Even the cab driver on the way home appreciated our efforts enough to not get angry with us for filling his taxi with pine needles.



I realize now that this should have been our first warning that all was not as it seemed. After all, how many people keep potted evergreens in their hallways? And of those who actually do, how many of these trees are dry to the point of shedding all their needles at a moment's notice? But at the time, we were too drunk on the heady satisfaction of committing such a conspiratorial caper to take notice of such details.

Flash forward two weeks to a conversation between Sarah and Salome at work. Sarah is overcome with guilt and decides to confess our crime. Salome, much to Sarah's relief, is not upset. And why should she be? As it turns out, the tree that we stole from outside the elevator on her floor is the Christmas tree that Salome herself had in her apartment over the entire holiday season and that she was too lazy to take out to the garbage, so she dumped it in the hall.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that our prize from that night, the lovely potted pine that Isil* (pictured above) proudly took home and, for all I know, is still displaying on her mantle, the subject of our well-executed, spy-like Mission Impossible to get it out of the building, was...garbage.

That's right. We snuck Salome's garbage out the back door of her fancy loft and took it home as treasure.

* This is the closest to spelling her name that I can get without using strange Turkish symbols. I was also going to include her last name to clarify things, but apparently the closest that we can get to spelling it on a QWERTY keyboard is "Degirmencioglu" and that really doesn't clarify anything.

Friday, March 10, 2006

I want a parrot!

I love this bird. I want one of my own that I can teach crazy words and sound effects to. Then I can freak out the Jehovah's Witnesses when they come around.



Note: Jehovah's Witnesses never come around anymore. Is it something I said?

Vulva!

Between this and the boobie post earlier this week, I'm going to earn myself a bad reputation here. Oh well. This is the sort of amazing find that is worth a bad reputation.

Frankly, what with the world being as freaky-deaky as it is, I'd be surprised if this was a new idea, but leave it up to those crazy Germans to take a zany idea like this waaaaay too literally.*



That's right - a group of brilliant German olfactory engineers are marketing a product that literally and intentionally smells like vagina, aptly named Vulva.

I'm not making this up. If you're not at work (or if you have a very understanding boss) you can take a look for yourself, right here (NSFW).

Highlights of this amazing site:
  • Right off the bat, we get a flash intro with a stylized vagina shooting towards the camera
  • Next up is the standard warning of explicit material that asks persons under the age of 18 (and persons who do not "enjoy juicy erotic") to leave the site. Note that they seem to have decided that the child-safe header image for this warning page should be an artistically-lit picture of a woman's lower belly and pubic hair.
  • The header text that follows you through the site claims that Vulva is an "Authentically Natural Vaginal Flavour" - I can't bring myself to delve into the implications of this statement
  • Press photos in a flash presentation on the site seem to be demonstrating the authenticity of said vaginal flavour by showing a random male audience member smelling a nude model's vagina, close-up, then giving the camera an enthusiastic thumbs-up
  • Horrifyingly, the site's FAQ promises a male version of this perfume in the near future


* For any Germans who take offense to this statement, how do you explain the popularity of this man:

Monday, March 06, 2006

I think we used to be in a band together, or something.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

First outdoor entry of 2006

<gloat>

I know that it's fleeting, since it is only early March, but I would just like to point out that I have been sitting on a picnic bench outside the Linux Caffe (sic) for the last hour, drinking coffee and working on my laptop. That's how nice it is here today.

Take that, Vancouver.

</gloat>